Parental Preaching
Q: My mother wrote to you about ruined laundry about a month ago. We have managed to resolve this issue. She has agreed to be more careful with my clothing and to buy me another blouse to replace the ruined one. I since have started to help with the laundry (it is really not so bad). But now, I am dealing with a new issue. What do you suggest I do when my parents lose their cool and go into "preaching mode" about something that interests them more than me?
A: It sounds like you and your mother are learning to negotiate and resolve some differences. This is a good skill to develop. Essential components of this skill are learning how to listen and how to provide feedback about what has been heard. Yet, it is not uncommon for teens to "tune out" their parents when they go into a so-called "preaching" mode. Listening to a long speech when the topic does not interest you is hard. That's when conversations typically break down and arguments arise. Some teen-agers tend to respond by setting up their parents to lose control, and intentionally causing an argument. This is especially true when the teens are angry and want to take control of the situation. This tactic benefits no one. Instead, try to deal with these types of situations by using "I statements." For example, you could say, "When I hear you talking about the same thing over and over, I lose interest in what you are saying. Can you see how this becomes unproductive?" This lets them know how you feel calmly without anger or resentment. You could then try to figure out what their "bottomline" is so that both sides can move on from there. This lets them know that you respect them enough to hear what it is they need to see as a result of what they are trying to say. At this point, you also could suggest how both sides could handle these conversations in the future. Say, for example, "We can talk about this topic again, and I will give you my complete attention. But, I will let you know when I feel I am beginning to lose interest so that we can redirect the conversation." Try using "I statements" such as these the next time you find yourself in this situation. They are effective, non-confrontational and powerful ways of communicating.
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