• Identify significant transitions.  There are many significant life events and transitions that take place during adolescence.  What’s important to one teen may not be as important to the next (i.e. turning 16, getting your first job, getting your driver’s license, etc.).  So, identify which milestones are important to your teen to ensure they know you are “in tune” with what matters most and be sure to celebrate these important life events with them.

   

• Listen first, speak second.  Listening is key to building and maintaining a healthy, open, and respectful relationship with your teen. When your teen wants or needs to talk, stop what you are doing and pay attention to him or her by maintaining eye contact and affirming that you are listening.  Hear them out and don’t be quick to judge. Teens often need to talk it out and solve the problem themselves. Take advantage of any opportunity to talk to your teen (i.e. driving in the car).  If your teen is reluctant to talk, ask open-ended questions that require more than a “yes or no” response, and try to frame the questions in a positive manner.  “How was school today” can be reframed as “Tell me something good that happened today.” This reframing often opens the door for a positive conversation. When the answer is “nothing,” then help the teen to find something good, even if it as simple as

     “you made it through the day.”

• Pick your battles.  Too many rules can overwhelm anyone, so it is always a good idea for a parent to limit the number of rules for a child of any age. It is especially important for adolescents because challenging rules is an essential part of developmental growth as well as a way of learning boundaries. Teens need and want to know what their boundaries are. However, if there are too many rules, teens will often give up and create their own. Have a few rules and stick to them. Eliciting the teens feedback into creating the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules often helps to create “buy in” from both the teen and the parent. If a rule is broken, the consequence must happen. Teens lose respect for parents when they don’t follow through, even when it comes to consequences. 

• Live by the “Golden Rule” – Treat your teen as you want to be treated.  This will not only build a respectful relationship but will also foster positive growth in your teen.  When an adolescent (or any human) feels respected, they begin to grow respect for themselves. Self-respect and self-worth fosters positive behavior.  In addition, lead by example; be a role model of respect to others and yourself. This can be as simple as saying “please” and “thank you” to others.  This can also be demonstrated with your adult relationships. A parent is a very effective role model of how to have successful and healthy adult friendships, professional relationships, family relationships, and most importantly, romantic relationships. 

I have a friend who is a single mother with a teenage son and daughter.  She often allows her boyfriend to spend the night at her house.  She is clearly role modeling to her teenagers that this is acceptable behavior while telling her children the “just say no” concept of sex education.  Her kids are clearly “hearing” the message it is okay by her actions rather than “listening” to what she is telling them.  Her boyfriend also makes comments to her about “getting fat and lazy” which upsets her, but she allows it to continue.  Intentionally or not, she is teaching her children that this is acceptable behavior for male-female relationships.

• Create a “safe zone” for asking questions.  Adolescents have a lot of questions, and they will seek answers.  If they can’t get them from a trusted adult, they will turn to peers who may give them misguided and/or uninformed advice.  Some questions they have are simple curiosity and some might be true deep issues or problems, but they are often too embarrassed or afraid to ask.  Create a “safe zone” by allowing your kids to ask the “I have a friend with a problem….” scenario where the rules are that you can’t ask for more details than they are willing to give you.  This is often very scary for parents but works very well in practice. 

About a year ago my daughter posed a question to me:  “Mom, I need some information for a friend, but you can’t ask me any questions--I just need answers.”  She wanted information about emergency contraception.  Of course, any parent’s first thought would be “she is having sex and now worried she is pregnant,” and then I was worried about her friends and went through the list of possibilities.  However, I knew that whether it was truly for a friend or for her, she needed the information.  So, I just gave her the information straight up.  I gave her the basic information about how it works, when it is most effective, and how and where to get it.  She said “thanks mom” and that ended the conversation.  I worried and waited.  About 2 months later she told me about a friend (that I really didn’t know well) who was sexually active and might be pregnant.  She confided to me that this was the same girl she had asked about the emergency contraceptive information before.  This opened the door to a very open and honest conversation about her concept of responsibility and sex.  Clearly, she trusted me more, and our relationship had grown stronger.  It was a relief and a triumph in our parent-teen relationship.

 

• Encourage healthy growth opportunities.  Support your teen’s involvement in structured activities with real opportunities for rewards.  This will give them a sense of achievement and serves as an initiation into adulthood.  Volunteer opportunities provide a great introduction into adult responsibilities while building self-esteem and self-worth/value.  It has the potential to create opportunities for teens to excel and discover possible future career options.