A: I cannot tell from your letter if this is something that has occurred just recently or been present since birth. There are several issues that may be playing a role but you will need to have a frank discussion with your father in order to get a better view. Your father may not be comfortable with a bi-racial grandchild, or even an adopted grandchild. This, however, would have been evident since you first introduced him to your father. He may not approve of your being a single mother. His view is much different from yours and it may be difficult for him to express his opinion for fear of hurting your feelings. Perhaps he does not know how to deal with young children and is trying to keep his distance from an uncomfortable situation. Maybe you are expecting your father to give something that he is not willing or able to give at this time. He may consider himself retired. If you are expecting your father to play the role of your son's father, he may not want to do this as he has already paid his dues raising you and your brothers and sisters. Whatever the circumstances, you will need to talk with him to get a better understanding so you can program your own expectations. If your father is unwilling, don't try to make him do what he does not want to do. It can only make matters worse. You may need to find another means for introducing older males into his life. You could join a play group, get him involved in sports, or become involved with activities at a community center. Ideally this could expose your son to males of different ethnic backgrounds too. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is a United Way agency that has adult volunteers that provide one-to-one friendship, understanding and guidance to children between the ages of 6 and 15 from single-parent families. Although your son is a little young for this, they may be able to offer some guidance.

Q: I am a single woman and I adopted a bi-racial child at birth. He is now four years old and a big part of my life. I have been trying to have my father become more involved with my son, but he does not show much of an interest. At times he appears distant and frequently comes up with reasons why he does not get closer to my son. He has never told me he does not approve of the adoption or me trying to raise a son without a father. I would very much like for my father to have a role in raising my son. How can I get him more involved?

A: I cannot tell from your letter if this is something that has occurred just recently or been present since birth. There are several issues that may be playing a role but you will need to have a frank discussion with your father in order to get a better view. Your father may not be comfortable with a bi-racial grandchild, or even an adopted grandchild. This, however, would have been evident since you first introduced him to your father. He may not approve of your being a single mother. His view is much different from yours and it may be difficult for him to express his opinion for fear of hurting your feelings. Perhaps he does not know how to deal with young children and is trying to keep his distance from an uncomfortable situation. Maybe you are expecting your father to give something that he is not willing or able to give at this time. He may consider himself retired. If you are expecting your father to play the role of your son's father, he may not want to do this as he has already paid his dues raising you and your brothers and sisters. Whatever the circumstances, you will need to talk with him to get a better understanding so you can program your own expectations. If your father is unwilling, don't try to make him do what he does not want to do. It can only make matters worse. You may need to find another means for introducing older males into his life. You could join a play group, get him involved in sports, or become involved with activities at a community center. Ideally this could expose your son to males of different ethnic backgrounds too. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is a United Way agency that has adult volunteers that provide one-to-one friendship, understanding and guidance to children between the ages of 6 and 15 from single-parent families. Although your son is a little young for this, they may be able to offer some guidance.

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