Divorce: Financial Issues
Q: My husband and I are divorced, and we are struggling over child support for our two children, ages 7 and 9. Specifically, we disagree about which expenses for the children are necessary and which we can do without. For example, I believe it's very important for our children to be involved in sports. I explain to my ex-husband that being involved in organized sports is much more than just "play" for the children. Regardless of what I say, he thinks it's not that important, or can be cut or reduced. Both of the children constantly come up with new activities they would like to get involved in that cost money. How can I meet my children's wants and needs without getting them caught up with the associated financial considerations and without making them feel guilty about making these requests?
A: These financial differences should be kept between your ex-husband and you. It is not an appropriate concern for children of such a young age. Be up-front, however, with the children about the situation, in general. Assure them that both of you have their well-being at heart, and that there usually is no right answer as such, but rather differences of opinion. If you sense the children might be experiencing guilt about having caused a problem in the family, reassure them that true guilt comes from truly doing something wrong. In this case, they have not. To help them get rid of the guilt, ask them for their help in coming up with a solution. Children this age are usually aware of money, but maybe not the concept of a budget. They do not need to be overwhelmed by the details. You could, however, ask them to help prepare an extra-curricular activities budget. Keep it positive and turn it into a learning opportunity, where they are active participants in the solution. You could begin by explaining to them that everyone must live within their means. We all have to identify how best to spend the money that is left after paying the bills and putting money in savings.
That is where they can help you. They can identify which activities they might be interested in over the next school year, for example. Help them by suggesting activities they might not be aware of. Would they like to play basketball, take part in ballet classes or join the swim team? If they select activities that you might consider inappropriate for them, such as activities better suited for older children, explain that to them. If disagreements arise, be clear when you are seeking their input and when you are not. Once you and they feel satisfied that you've exhausted all options, then go back and ask them to select the top three, or however many you guess you could afford. Tell them you'll check to see if they fit into each child's budget. On your own, research how much it would cost for them to participate in these activities. Some activities are offered by different organizations that have different costs. Some may require you to purchase equipment or supplies while others may include them. Make sure to consider all related costs, and keep some room in your budget for some unforeseen expenses or activities. If their chosen activities do not fit into the budget, tell them that they could participate in them next year or identify a similar activity that might not cost as much. Children can better accept the answers if they have had some input into the solution.
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