Blended Families

Q: I recently married a man who has two children from a previous marriage. Since my divorce from my first husband six years ago, my daughter has lived with me. She is now 15. Before remarrying, I discussed this with my daughter and she was very supportive. Six months have passed since our marriage and the conflicts with her new stepfather are getting worse. They argue when he attempts to set limits for her and tend to get worse when his children come to visit us. My husband is trying to make things work, but he seems to lose his cool when he has had enough. My daughter has been withdrawn and depressed since the conflicts began. How can we work this out?

A: The transition from living alone with you to having a house full of people is not always easy. She has to compete for attention and time with you. Your daughter might have been supportive of the idea of you remarrying, but perhaps she did not bargain having someone else enforce limits on her. Step-parents often walk right into these battles with the best of intentions but soon find themselves experiencing frustration. Your husband may be trying too hard to be a good father. When blended families come together, new roles have to be defined. This is not always easy and it takes time. Often, new rules are tested by adolescents. It seems that your husband and your daughter are both feeling bad about the experience. Take some time and talk with your husband about what his feelings are and how you can help. If your husband's children are younger than your daughter, he may be trying to set limits that may not be appropriate for a teenager. Keep the communication open at all times. Let you daughter know she can talk to you about anything, including your new husband. This will become increasingly important as she grows in her teen years.

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